Sept. 2, 2008:  "The school district in Harold, Texas, is allowing teachers to carry concealed weapons on campus, but while in the library they are required to use a silencer."

Aug. 26, 2008:  "Cher is in talks to be the next Catwoman. She already taught her daughter to love pussy cats, now she can teach America to love them, too."

Aug. 22, 2008:  "Ricky Martin just had twin babies with a surrogate mother. He's scheduled a baby shower for the Manhole bar and cabaret."

Aug. 20, 2008:  "Chris Kattan and his wife separated after only eight weeks together. What happened after eight weeks that it all fell apart? Did she finally realize he wasn't Jimmy Fallon?"

Aug. 18, 2008:  "Paris Hilton is working with Stan Lee to create a superhero version of her for a comic book. Paris would make a perfect superhero, we know she can survive shots to the face."

Aug. 14, 2008:  "Spas have started marketing a bunch of exotic treatments including bird-poop facials and pedicures where fish eat off your calluses. I've got a great spa treatment you can do at home: All you need is some peanut butter and a dog."

Aug. 8, 2008:  "Tara Reid is looking for a roommate. I imagine the ad on Craigslist said something like, "Will share clothes, but must be a double-D lopsided."

Aug. 6, 2008:  "Sanjaya has announced he has a girlfriend. He needs to be honest with this girl about where the relationship is going...not down her pants."

Aug. 1, 2008:  "Shannen Doherty tried to report paparazzi for stalking her, but the police didn't know who she was. The biggest insult was that the officer on duty was Ian Ziering."

July 31, 2008:  "British people who do good things get made knights or lords. They should make Heather Mills a count and then just remove the O."

July 30, 2008:  "Suri Cruise is retaking New York, and OK! Magazine says she has a new favorite restaurant. Other than Larry King, can someone who craps themselves have a favorite restaurant?"

July 28, 2008:  "Doctors have diagnosed a new mental illness where sufferers think their life is a reality-TV show. It's been named Carnie Wilson-itis."

July 23, 2008:  "Candy Spelling is selling her 123-room mansion and buying a $47 million condo. It makes sense: She's an empty nester...except that after she kicked her little bird out, it flew away, got a boob job, broke up a marriage and wrote a book about hating her birdie mother."

July 22, 2008:  "The tabloids kept reporting that Angelina Jolie was going to have twin girls, but she ended up having a boy and a girl. We were clearly Punk'd. They really pulled the wool over her vagina."

June 30, 2008:  "Amy Winehouse performed at the Glastonbury Music Festival this weekend, and her voice was atrocious. Maybe she should try having some hot tea and lemon with her heroin next time."

June 26, 2008:  "David Hasselhoff is trying to turn his website into a social-networking site. Can you imagine the conversation? 'I can't meet anyone.' 'Hey! Maybe David Hasselhoff can help!' "

June 25, 2008:  "Nicole Kidman is 8 months pregnant, but she barely has a bump. Is she pregnant with a squirrel?"

June 23, 2008:  "Tom Cruise apparently has a room in his house where he, David Beckham and Will Smith get together to fence. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Tom, Will and David are just three men who like to poke each other with their swords."

June 18, 2008:  "Perez Hilton posted a voicemail message Charlie Sheen left for Denise Richards in which he calls her the N-word. That's offensive. There are so many better words to call Denise Richards."

June 17, 2008:  "Tiger Woods and Angelina Jolie are like superheroes. Imagine if they got together: She could have all the babies she wants to adopt naturally. It would be like she has Asia and Africa in her stomach."

June 13, 2008:  "Pamela Anderson is getting back together with Tommy Lee. This is a real slap in the face to Rick Solomon...His penis isn't even cold yet."

June 10, 2008:  "Naomi Campbell is having surgery to help her get pregnant, because she thinks a baby would help calm her down. If she wants to calm down why doesn't she do what I do when I go home at night: kick back with a classic episode of Facts of Life, rub one out and take an Ambien."

June 9, 2008:  "Nick Hogan was transferred out of solitary confinement into a communal cell at a west Florida jail. Clearly, he's ready to start dating again."

June 5, 2008:  "A 21-year old Dutch man pressed his ass against a window while mooning a guy and the glass broke, injuring his buttocks. I had a similar accident in my 20s...I had to get a triple anus bypass."

June 4, 2008:  "Star magazine says Jamie Spears is offering K-Fed $14.5 million dollars to get back together with Britney. The source says Kevin is holding out for 20 million and a vagina to be named later."

May 29, 2008:  "Woody Harrelson wants to live on an island for 40 days without eating food. That's stupid. The only people who have gone 40 days without eating are Jesus, Moses and Posh Spice."

May 27, 2008:  "Environmentalists are getting mad at Celine Dion because some property she owns in Florida uses 6.5 million gallons of water a year. Maybe she keeps a gigantic tank of water so René can be in his natural habitat. I understand he does two shows a day."

May 22, 2008:  "Britney Spears' dad, Jamie, is getting paid $2,500 dollars a week to manage his daughter's affairs. That's a lot of money for slapping muffins out of his daughter's mouth."

May 21, 2008:  "Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have conducted wedding ceremonies in the Bahamas, outside L.A. and are now having one in New York. Are they going to have to get divorced in all those cities, too?"

May 14, 2008:  "Scarlet Johansson has released a song, and it's horrible. Look, if you're a celebrity with hidden talents, keep them close to your vest. I have hidden talents: I'm amazing with gorillas, but you don't see me gorilla-whispering on Animal Planet. No, I do it in the privacy of my own home: just me, Chuy, and a silverback."

May 12, 2008:  "American Idol finalist David Archuleta's dad has been banned from all rehearsals at American Idol for being a domineering stage parent. I bet David just can't wait to turn 18, get out on his own and meet a nice girl...or boy."

May 8, 2008:  "Donatella Versace wants to give fashion advice to Hillary Clinton. Before we do that, who's going to give Donatella Versace advice on her face?"

May 7, 2008:  "Shannon Elizabeth is moving in with her Dancing With the Stars partner, Derek Hough. I'm mostly surprised Shannon Elizabeth owns a home."

May 6, 2008:  "Lindsay Lohan allegedly stole a girl's fur coat from a New York nightclub. It was described as a blond, mink coat, which is strange, because I thought Lindsay was already elbow deep in another blond fur."

May 5, 2008:  "In her new book, Barbara Walters reveals she had an ongoing affair with Senator Edward Brooke in the '70s. Shockingly, Senator Brooke was married and black at the time. I want to know what she's saving for her juicy follow-up book. Maybe she was there when Biggie got shot."

May 1, 2008:  "The people from the Greek island of Lesbos are going to court in an attempt to take back the word lesbian. In a show of solidarity all the rugs were removed from the island."

April 29, 2008:  "Pamela Anderson just became an American citizen. I don't see how they could deny her American citizenship after she served our country for all those years patrolling our beaches and running in slow motion. So we welcome you Pam, with two open palms."

April 28, 2008:  "Lindsey Lohan has been out a lot with Samantha Ronson, and lots of people are speculating they could be more than just friends. Maybe a nice, stable lesbian relationship is just what Lindsey needs: Who has time to be a hard-partying alcoholic when you're busy adopting cats and picking out a Subaru Outback."

April 23, 2008:  "Naomi Campbell tried to give blood in Brazil, but they wouldn't let her. Apparently they were concerned that she might infect other people with bitch."

April 17, 2008:  "Daniel Radcliffe is showing full frontal nudity in his play Equus on Broadway. I wonder if Clay Aiken bought up the front row for opening night?"

April 15, 2008:  "In a radio interview, Paris Hilton was asked if she'd want Kim Kardashian's butt, and Paris said that Kim's butt is gross. Who's Paris to talk with her size 74 foot. You want to know who does want Kim's butt? Every man in America, possibly the world...especially in Africa."

April 11, 2008:  "Madonna's arms are getting a little too muscular. I'm beginning to think if she gets mad she'll blow up like the Hulk, her Kabbalah bracelet will pop off and her boot-cut jeans will turn into cutoffs."

April 8, 2008:  "A guy in Bellevue, Ohio got arrested for having sex with a picnic table, but it's not totally his fault because the table wanted it. It had been looking at him coyly all night long. To be fair, he was going through a lot—apparently he had just gotten out of a messy relationship with a chaise lounge."

March 28, 2008:  "In Touch magazine is speculating that Brad and Angelina might get married because Maddox is asking a lot of questions. I'm sure he's got some other questions, too, like: Who are you? Where did I come from? and How many frequent-flier miles do I have, and can I cash them in for a PlayStation?"

March 24, 2008:  "In an interview with the Times of London, Mariah Carey said she could count the number of men she's slept with on her fingers. The interesting part is that Mariah was born with 18 fingers."

March 21, 2008:  "GQ put together a list of the most whipped guys in Hollywood. The top couple is Madonna and Guy Ritchie and in the picture, she's carrying a clear shopping bag with a strap-on in it. The most surprising thing to me is that Madonna doesn't have a penis of her own."

March 17, 2008:  "Britney Spears met Mel Gibson for dinner on Saturday. They arrived separately, spent about two hours together and left separately. Mel was pitching his new movie idea: The Passion of the Crotch."

March 12, 2008:  "Dawn Wells was pulled over by police in Idaho for erratic driving yesterday, and the officer found four half-smoked joints in her car. She claimed the pot was left in her car by hitchhikers. Where did she pick up hitchhikers, was she driving through the '60s?"

March 10, 2008:  "This past weekend Sanjaya played a bat mitzvah on Long Island for 300 people. He sang 'Isn't She Lovely' and 'You Really Got Me,' and then the crowd voted him off the reception."

March 6, 2008:  "In People magazine, Kelly Rowland tells us she got breast implants because she wanted to fit into a 'really hot' House of Deréon top. I'm glad she thought this through. If a friend borrows the top and doesn't give it back, is Kelly going to have her implants taken out?"

March 3, 2008:  "Simon Cowell turned down $2 million to be the British spokesperson for Viagra. Having sex with Simon has got to be hard while Paula and Randy are sitting right there saying, 'She was good, she was good!' "

Feb. 27, 2008:  "According to Star magazine, Hugh Hefner tried to talk the Olsen twins into posing nude for Playboy, but they said no. Other than Bob Saget, does anybody want to see the Olsen twins naked?"

Feb. 25, 2008:  "Daniel Day-Lewis is great. Every 10 years he comes out with an amazing movie, wins an Oscar, then goes back to Ireland and becomes a cobbler."

Feb. 13, 2008:  "Dolly Parton has canceled her tour because of back pain related to her boobs. Is Beyoncé going to cancel her tour because she's tired of lugging around her ass?"

Feb. 7, 2008:  "Today, Randy Jackson announced he's got a new cologne coming out. Randy says it's a mixture of spice and musk...and warm doughnuts."

Feb. 4, 2008:  "The Spice Girls have cut their tour short. The two Mels are really at each other's throats. Mel B has been flooded with offers since being on Dancing with the Stars, and Mel C has had it with people not knowing who she is."

Jan. 31, 2008:  "Ethan Hawke and his girlfriend, who used to be his nanny, are expecting a baby. How lazy do you have to be to not leave the house to cheat on your wife?"

Jan. 28, 2008:  "Clay Aiken said that he has 'turned off' his sex drive. Clay says he only loves his dogs. What he didn't say was that his dogs are named Bruce and Steve and own a floral shop in the West Village."

Jan. 24, 2008:  "Life & Style magazine has an article about how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are screwing up Suri. And where are Tom's other two kids? You never see them. They're like Bigfoot—they're only spotted every three years."

Jan. 21, 2008:  "There's video of Amy Winehouse online showing her doing what looks to be Ecstasy, Valium and crack. On the upside, she wasn't doing crystal meth."

Jan. 16, 2008:  "According to OK! magazine, Britney is trying to get pregnant, and there are pictures of her buying a pregnancy test. Britney's probably like, 'Go ahead, take my kids, I can make more.' "

Jan. 14, 2008:  "Earlier today Björk attacked a photographer at an airport in New Zealand. Björk is a really talented artist—it's unfortunate only dogs can hear most of her songs."

Jan. 10, 2008:  "Class act Heidi Montag says in Maxim magazine that one of the kinkiest things she's ever done for Spencer was to tie him up. I wish I could tie them both up, attach some cement blocks and throw them off a boat."

Dec. 31, 2007:  "If it's midnight and you're kissing your brother, you're having a crappy New Year's Eve...or you're Angelina Jolie."

Dec. 21, 2007:  "This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free."

Dec. 18, 2007:  "This year Heidi Fleiss will be opening the Stud Farm, her all-male brothel outside of Las Vegas. This is for women to find men. If you're a guy looking for a guy, you still have to find it at the airport bathroom."

Dec. 14, 2007:  "It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado."

Dec. 12, 2007:  "Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That's a unique way to cover up herpes."

Dec. 7, 2007:  "According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women—how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?"

Dec. 4, 2007:  "According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters...if their sister is Angelina Jolie."

Nov. 30, 2007:  "Angelina Jolie's older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it's not that weird. After all, he could be the father."

Nov. 27, 2007:  "Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon."

Nov. 19, 2007:  "I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyoncé lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award—which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people."

Nov. 14, 2007:  "Nicole Richie's baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event—many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight."

Nov. 9, 2007:  "A Catholic priest who's been sending threatening notes to Conan O'Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads."

Nov. 7, 2007:  "Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit."

Nov. 5, 2007:  "Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you're crowning?"

Oct. 31, 2007:  "According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious—Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt."

Oct. 19, 2007:  "Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with 'Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!' "

Oct. 11, 2007:  "David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere—his car drove itself."

Oct. 9, 2007:  "Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn't? You share meals together, gaze into each other's eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another—for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21."

Oct. 5, 2007:  "For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony..."

Oct. 3, 2007:  "Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy—er."

Oct. 1, 2007:  "An L.A. County Superior Court judge issued an order today taking custody of Britney's two children away from her. K-Fed was surprised when Larry Birkhead swooped in at the last moment and grabbed them for himself."

Sept. 21, 2007:  "Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you've come to expect from Jessica Alba."